“It is quite impossible to unite happiness with a yearning for what we don’t have.”
-Epictetus
By Melisa Gulsun Ozmen
Having control in life is important but so is being able to stop worrying about adversities, failures, and things that do not go on our way. Gaining the wisdom of when to take control in life and when to just surrender to the flow should be the mission of both individuals and humanity in general. Why? Because much of the chaos created by humans in the world stems from the confusion of the surrender-control dynamic in life. We judge people who surrender too much as “irresponsible,” and people who control too much as “control freaks.” When we surrender to life too much, we may ruin our health, relationships, loved ones, financial stability, and security. But if we take too tight control, we might ruin these same things. Similarly, when governments enforce too much control over their people, they become oppressive totalitarian governments, while governments that relax their control too much lose power and authority over their people.
Making the distinction between when to surrender and when to take control in life is an art and is essential to living a good life. The secret of this art depends on understanding the limits of control in our personal lives all while living in an unlimited and uncontrollable universe. Stoic philosopher William B Irvine helps with this task in his 2008 book A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy. In it, he categorizes the division of control of events in life into things over which we have control, things over which we have no control at all and things over which we have some but not complete control.
Ancient Roman Stoic philosopher Epictetus says, “Some things are up to us, and some are not up to us.” Our opinions, impulses, desires and aversions are examples of things that are up to us and our possessions and reputation are things he says are not. Some people may never gain the reputation or the relationships they want no matter how hard they try, while others do so easily with little effort. And despite our best efforts, we may never gain the material possessions we seek in life. It is up to us whether or not we desire something that may be unattainable.
It is also up to us to control our impulses and to choose how to react to things that we do not have control over. In heavy traffic, we choose whether to curse and complain or stay calm. In response to a person’s irritable behavior at a party, we choose to either blow up in anger or let it go. Likewise, desiring outcomes that are not within the realm of possibility leads to disappointment, unhappiness, jealousy, and diminishes our self-confidence. If we do not have a talent for singing, it is futile to aspire to be a world-famous tenor or even to be jealous of people who have that talent. Instead, we can sing in private or develop other talents in fields where we have a chance to grow, which may develop our self-confidence and happiness in life. This is akin to accepting bad weather, something we have no control over. We may not like rain, but it is futile to be upset about a rainy day. The only thing we can do about a rainy day is to accept it as it is and find some activities within our control.
However, not everything in life is like a rainy day. There are gray areas in life that are neither totally under our control nor totally beyond our control. Achieving a goal that we set, such as graduating from university with high honors, is an example of this. The decision to pursue a college degree and our choice of major can be within our control, but the goal of graduating with high honors might be out of our control. We can do everything in our power to make good grades, but on our way to graduation, adversities may come up, such as an unprecedented illness, financial difficulty, or the death of a loved one. These may force us to spend more of our time dealing with physical, financial, or emotional problems instead of studying. It is also possible that a professor’s unreasonably high standards prevent us from making high grades. We cannot always predict these possibilities when we are setting our goals, so setting a lofty goal such as “I will graduate with high honors” in the beginning may lead to disappointment and frustration if obstacles that are outside of our control emerge on the way. Instead, setting a goal like “I will do my best to graduate with the highest grades possible” is a goal that would allow us greater control. Doing our best, whatever our standard for the best is, is totally within our control, but achieving precise results may not be within our control. When we set gray goals, we feel neither indifferent to our goals, nor anxious about not achieving them. These kinds of gray goals are the ones where we have some degree of control, but not complete control, and they are the ones that we should be concerned about.
When we experience too much stress or deal with repetitive patterns of undesired results, disappointments, frustrations, or depression, it might be because of consciously or unconsciously setting unachievable and uncontrollable goals and then feeling concerned about them. When facing with an unresolved problem, instead of feeling helpless or pressuring ourselves to find an urgent solution, it might be better to ask, “Is this situation completely within my control?” or “What part of this situation is within my control?” If the answer is “completely outside of my control” then being concerned about it will not help with finding a solution. In this case, the best solution is to surrender. But if there is a part of a problem that is within our control, then we should take the responsibility for that controllable part. Our concern should not just consist of thinking and planning but also taking proactive action regarding the situation. That action could be something as simple as changing our perspective about the situation. If there is something we can do, we should do it, but if there is nothing to be done, then we should not be burdened with concern, feelings of guilt, shame, or stress. To live a good life, make a list of the things that you have complete control over, things that you have some but not complete control over, and things that you have no control over at all. This list will give you a clear picture of when to take control and when to surrender in your life. ■
