What Is Self-Love?

By Melisa Gulsun Ozmen

Self-love is a term I have been bombarded with since I moved to the US. When I lived in Türkiye, “self-love” sounded a bit selfish and narcissistic to me, and it was not a word I encountered very often. In the subconscious mind of a collectivist culture like that in Türkiye, the notion of self-love is generally associated with being selfish and ignoring your loved ones, or it is perceived as valuing yourself with materialistic things. However, in a highly individualistic culture like in the US, I observed that an individual’s value trumps the norms and values of society in various aspects of life. Due to my upbringing and loyalty to my cultural values, it took me almost three years to clearly understand and digest this value system that was so new to me. While I was analyzing the differences between the culture I was born into and the new one I was now living in, I came to the realization that a society is formed solely of individuals, and if these individuals love and value themselves, society prospers along with the individuals. My own personal journey to self-love began with my moving to the US and a synchronistic encounter with a quotation by Indian spiritualist Osho in Destiny, Freedom and the Soul: “enlightenment finds individuals, but not societies.”
Where does self-love emerge? It certainly begins with knowing yourself and asking the questions “Who am I?” and “What do I want?” Would you be able to love someone whom you have not yet met? Knowing someone opens the door to loving someone. These two questions can only truly be answered by your own inner voice, not by the voices of family or by societal norms, judgments, and taboos. To get authentic answers to these questions requires that you be isolated from all of these outside influences. Isolating yourself from time to time does not mean being lonely, alienated, or anti-social; it is a crucial path to self-knowledge and thus to self-love. In Destiny, Freedom and the Soul, Osho notes that society, culture, religion, and education all work hand-in-hand against the innocent child. “They have all the power—the child is helpless and dependent; that’s why whatever is they want out of that child, they achieve it.” This is a key difference between a highly collectivist and a highly individualistic culture, and it has a powerful impact on an individual’s development. If you “show up” in society not as who you truly are but instead as someone who suits society’s impositions, then how will you really know who you are and open the way to loving yourself? Naturally, individualistic cultures open more avenues for both children and individuals to show up as who they are and act as themselves. There are fewer judgments of an individual’s “unacceptable” characteristics as determined by societal norms. This allows individuals to discover themselves earlier and grow more rapidly. But this does not entail breaking all societal norms and rules. On the contrary, individuals who are allowed by society to be themselves are more responsible and respectful to society because the reasons for rebelling against societal norms or the tendency to shirk the norms and rules of society are minimized. In collectivist cultures, an individual’s destiny is more likely to be shaped by family, cultural and societal values. The higher the expectations there are for individuals to obey societal and cultural norms and the more judgments that are received from the environment, the less individuals have the opportunity to know and thus to love themselves.
Self-love is a life journey that can be learned even if it is something you have not been taught in early childhood in your family and environment. Knowing yourself, which is the baby step of the self-love journey, builds acceptance and respect for yourself. The second step is knowing what you want from yourself and from life. Unlike what many people think, striving for material benefits for the self, from buying luxury cars and big homes to wearing expensive outfits, watches, and jewelry to hoarding material possessions, does not prove your authentic love to yourself. There is nothing inappropriate or wrong with acquiring all this if you have the opportunity and if you give these to yourself with love, but these material things by themselves are not powerful indicators of self-love. They are just the side effects of the self-love journey, not the self-love itself. Be aware that your desire for these material comforts might be covering up a deep lovelessness for yourself or some other insecurities hiding deep within. Real self-love emerges from presenting what you have learned from knowing yourself and showing up in the world authentically with all of your qualities, good and bad: your talents, strengths, weaknesses, confidence, trust, vulnerabilities, securities, and insecurities. Self-love is the sense that you have the right to exist with both your dark and light characteristics and the inner knowledge that you are accepted as who you are. Who can give you this much compassionate love? Neither your family, nor your partner, nor your children, nor your community, nor society. Only you. You are the only person who can love yourself unconditionally and compassionately. And this is not selfishness. It is practicing true love on yourself and then emitting the love you have learned from yourself to others.
No person truly and compassionately loves others unless they know, accept and love themselves truly and compassionately. If you feel like you are not loved and accepted by people close to you, you should first discover the areas where you do not accept, and love yourself and determine how you are trying to cover up the unloved parts of yourself. The number one indication that you are learning to love yourself is that you stop tolerating people who are unable to reciprocate the level of acceptance, respect, compassion, clarity, and love that you give to them. If you begin to prefer being alone instead of tolerating others’ poor behavior to you just for the sake of not being alone, it is a sign you have begun loving yourself. This does not mean being anti-social or isolated or choosing to live alone for the rest of your life. This is being an individual who loves and respects yourself and who makes healthy choices on whom to spend your time and energy.
The second indication that you are learning to love yourself is that you close your ears to what other people think of you personally, as well as your actions and your lifestyle. Not being impacted by others’ judgments and choosing yourself in your own decisions regardless of outside interventions is a strong sign of self-love. This is not ignoring your loved ones or being selfish. Instead, you are choosing your authenticity and feeling comfortable with your choices.
The third sign and the one most indicative of self-love is that you stop and defeat the critical inner voice in your own head judging and dictating your decisions and life choices. If you manage to stop this negative voice and begin hearing a validating inner voice instead of a judging one and you feel the support of this voice in meeting your deep needs, it shows that you have begun loving yourself. It does not signify that you are a narcissist, but that you are connected with your intuitions, which are your guiding angels in life. Even if you were born into a culture, family or environment that did not foster self-love, loving yourself can be a choice, and a lesson that can be learned and practiced at a pivotal point in your life journey. ■