“Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still.”
– Robert Sternberg
By Melisa Gulsun Ozmen
Have you ever thought what exactly you mean by saying “I love you” to your romantic partner? You know that the love you feel for your romantic partner differs from the love you feel for the other loved ones in your life, but what exactly makes the difference? Romantic relationships are the most intense and challenging interpersonal relationship in which the human capacity to love and to sustain a love relationship is tested. That is why, compared to other love relationships, people often end their romantic relationships and marriages with relative ease and will change their romantic partner due to dissatisfaction with the relationship. We can break up with our romantic partner and afterward, even though the separation is painful, we are often able to cut off all connection, forget the partner and move on with a new partner. On the other hand, we find it much harder to cut off our relationships with our children, parents, or other loved ones, even if there might be the same legitimate reasons to end the relationship. The intensity and fragility of romantic relationships compared to other love relationships come from one crucial ingredient that is necessary for the sustainability of the relationship, but which also jeopardizes its survival. While intimacy and commitment are sufficient ingredients to sustain other kinds of love relationships, passion is a necessary ingredient for romantic relationships.
The triangular theory of love developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg in 1986 describes three crucial dimensions for developing and sustaining a romantic relationship: intimacy, commitment and passion. In his theory, Sternberg describes the first dimension, intimacy, as trust, caring, honesty, supportiveness, understanding and openness. The second dimension, commitment, is defined as loyalty, devotion, putting the other first, and mutual need. The most important dimension for romantic relationships, passion, is described by Sternberg as excitement, sexual interest, and activity. Passion, he says, is a “state of intense longing for union with another.” This dimension is the most fragile one in a romantic relationship. It can easily be affected by the escalation or decline of the other two dimensions of the relationship. If a romantic relationship or a marriage involves high levels of intimacy and commitment, but low levels of passion, that kind of love is identified as companionate love. We may have this kind of love with our parents, siblings, children, and friends as well. If we feel too little passion and too much compassion toward our romantic partners, then the relationship may transform from a romantic relationship into a friendship. A divorce in such a marriage can be less harmful for each of the parties because of the two parties’ caring, concern, support, and understanding toward each other.
If a romantic relationship has both passion and intimacy, but lacks commitment, it will not turn into a long-lasting relationship such as a marriage if the commitment is not eventually built. If a relationship has high levels of passion, but low levels of intimacy and commitment, then it is infatuation love. This kind of love does not have the potential to turn into a long-lasting relationship either because passion is the most fragile and the most easily dissolvable dimension of the three dimensions of the love triangle. Passion by its nature is the fire of the relationship, but it can burn out and fade away with a little drop of water. That is why, even though some marriages are threatened by a passionate affair outside the marriage, the partner who is having the affair usually abandons it when the passion fades away and returns to the marriage. If a relationship has high levels of commitment but lacks intimacy and passion, then it is an empty love. If the relationship has both passion and commitment but lacks intimacy, then it is a fatuous love.
Neither of these options provides consummate love, a type of love with all three essential dimensions, which may lead to infidelity risk in the relationship due to one of the partner’s tendencies to search for the lacking dimensions outside in order to satisfy the desire for a consummate love. An affair outside of a relationship or a marriage involving both intimacy and commitment in addition to passion can be a serious threat to it. Even though lacking any one of the dimensions does not make infidelity a righteous action, it might be an underlying cause for one of the partner’s infidelities. The righteous action to take in a marriage or a romantic love relationship lacking any of the three dimensions is to communicate openly and to work with the partner to build up the lacking dimension instead of trying to fulfill the need for it outside of the relationship. If there is no way to build up the lacking dimension with the existing partner, then breaking up and moving on alone or with another partner is always a more moral choice than cheating on the partner or continuing a dissatisfying romantic love relationship.
We can find honesty, supportiveness, understanding, and openness in relationships such as in our close friendships. We experience loyalty, devotion, and needing each other in our compassionate relationships such as in our family relationships. But we cannot find passion in any of these relationships and complete the triangle of love. The only way we can experience excitement, longing to be with another, and sexual interest is in our passionate relationships that are within our romantic relationships. What should you do if you have intimacy and commitment, but do not have passion in a romantic relationship? Is it worth giving up on a relationship with intimacy and commitment for passion? Should you stay or should you go? The answer depends on what your personal expectations and desires are from a romantic relationship. If you do not have passion in your relationship, then you should not expect an ideal romantic love, but this does not mean the relationship cannot work. It can work depending on your expectations from the relationship. For some, passion is not a crucial ingredient of a romantic relationship, and they are quite satisfied with their romantic relationships, despite its lacking. Especially as couples get older, the importance of passion diminishes, while intimacy and commitment assume greater importance in a relationship.
Since a romantic relationship is a two-way street, it should be defined by both parties’ deepest needs and desires for love. In order to attain this vulnerability, courageous intimacy is more important than passion. You can find your deepest needs and desires from a romantic relationship by ranking the three dimensions of the love triangle: intimacy, commitment, and passion. Then you can compare it with your partner’s ranking to determine the difference in expectations from the relationship. You may find that your own desires and needs from a relationship may be different from and even contradictory with your partner’s. Also keep in mind that every desire emerges from an unsatisfied emotional need. Even though Sternberg’s triangular theory of love describes what the three essentials for an ideal romantic relationship are, I believe what we value most on a personal level is the essence that makes us feel most satisfied in a romantic relationship, since our intimate partners reflect our inner world to us like a mirror. ■
Melisa Gulsun Ozmen is an economics graduate with two decades in Turkish business. She relocated to the US in 2018, seeking personal growth. Immersed in a distinct culture, she discovered inner transformation’s paramountcy, inspired by Osho’s wisdom. This revelation led her to the Transformational Life Coaching Program, graduating in 2020 and cementing her life’s purpose. Melisa is a lifelong learner and coach, continuously exploring political science, psychology, and astrology, while also illuminating her journey of self-discovery and enlightenment through perpetual learning. Learn more about Melisa and visit her blog.
